Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
