Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
