I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
