my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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