i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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