And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
