I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
