Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
btw theres a pine tree in the downstairs shower. the guys thought it would be a great free air freshener.
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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