I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
