i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
My cat gives me a boner
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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