1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize