Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
