i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
She's more of a "I'm gonna get herpes no matter how great her face looks like" pretty
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
