please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
