just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
