what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
Randomize
