I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
