I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
my liver is dry heaving
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
