My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
