She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
