i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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