Whod you bang
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
