I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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