Well we can cross off dogs, dating sites, and real life as ways to help you meet a chick.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
