Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
