happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
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