you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
