Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize
