I met the friendliest cop last night
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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