we have pet lesbian snakes
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
