at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
