I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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