My hand turned me down
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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