did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
