do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize
