I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
