She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
