I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
