I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
I understand Curling. That high.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
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