Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
