after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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