Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
