I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
