**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize