he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize