he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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