If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
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