I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Your dad touched me again.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
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