So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
