the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize