my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
