Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
