i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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