omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Randomize
