this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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