I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize