the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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