If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
So apparently I’m into choking now
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
Randomize
