You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
True but thats because hes a fetus.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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