I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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