rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
