You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Randomize
