well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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