Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
