So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Blueberry probiotics greatly increase to the masturbation experience. Try it dude. It’s all the rage
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
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